This weekend was slow. So much slower than any other weekend in a long long time. We had visitors and then holidays and then all of a sudden we were back to our new to us home. And we had an extra day before Jeff had to go back to work so there was a nanny and a deliciously slow breakfast date. And a lot of talking and planning and scheduling. Not in an overwhelming way – more in a slow, calm your head down kind of way.

As much as I’m not a planner , in some ways I am whole heartedly a planner. Up until now my work space was very much in our living space. It had no door, just a chair and a desk and a computer to bring me to that place of focus and achievement. Guess what? I didn’t ever feel like I was getting enough done. I had a constant feeling of not enoughness which left me feeling more empty and less full than I normally do. It made me beat up on myself for the quality of work I was producing and for the ways in which is encouraged me to dive into completely unrelated tasks. So when we returned home on December 31st, we moved my work space into another room. With a door. With a comfy chair and that beautiful wreath I made. And all the candles, and a beautifully made bed. With the view of our neighbors upstairs balcony covered in twinkle lights to my left.

So now, I finally have a space that feels conducive to work and getting things done. A place where I can dream and I can plan accordingly.

The part of me that loves plans is the part of me that loves the satisfaction of setting out goals and achieving them. Even in the darkest moment when I don’t think I can get something done, having a space to retreat to, to encourage myself that yes in fact I can do this, is what has saved me a million times over. I have said it before and I’ll say it again – I am a lover of cozy inspiring spaces. Here, online, and in real life.

I’ll never forget the summer I took off from my brother and one of my best friends who I had been traveling with (after finding out they were most definitely more than just friends) – I disappeared on a train one morning from Croatia to Venice. I hid under the bench at the train station so I could secretly leave without them realizing where I had gone. I sat on that train gazing out the window wondering what the next few days would hold seeing as I was now, by my own decision, very much alone. It was an incredibly powerful and confidence building day. It was also totally irrational but it was 100% led by how I was feeling and that is something I rarely question.

Removing myself from the place and the people that were causing me stress, confusion, frustration, anger and jealously wasn’t necessarily what I should have done – but getting myself to a place of calmness, security and comfort was exactly what I needed. It was about doing something daring and bold but also knowing that there was a space (or city) of my own, to retreat to. Being on my own helped me to see what I needed to do. It sort of shouted it at me in all kinds of ways. On one particular day when I was feeling particularly defeated, I found myself curled up outside an artsists’ studio space, cozied up in my rain jacket with the rain beating down around me. At some point someone tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I wanted to come in for a hot cup of tea. We sat down and talked about what she was creating – she was a mosaic artist. Creating magic out of these random teeny tiny pieces of nothing. For almost my entire life up to that point I had been an incredibly massive athlete and an active participant in all things extracurricular at school. I had never done very well with anything artistic. So it was surprising to me that in that instant I knew I needed to do something creative with my hands.

My brother and my girlfriend finally turned up in Venice (where we all enjoyed too much wine) and we decided that we would fly to Paris together for a few days and then hop on a train back to London to head back to Canada. When we arrived in Paris we immediately headed out to eat and drink. I sat outside of the bar that our old au pair recommended and I distinctly remember calling my best friend in Toronto and telling her that I was going to go to art school and that one day I’d come back and live in Paris. One year later, I returned to Paris to study textile design. I went back to that bar often and smiled thinking of that conversation. Of that innate knowing within myself. That moment that was so much more powerful than I ever knew.

After a year of so much back and forth and pure survival, I am so intrigued by these slow intimate moments. I may have had them here or there this past year but in general I was too tired or too emotional to really embrace them. I wasn’t able to slow my head, my heart or my body down enough to know how to use them to truly listen.

The magic of this weekend and of living in a place where you don’t really have a ton of friends or family is that you are constantly surrounded by these slow moments. Mostly because there is lack of invitations and engagements but there is also something to say for finally having the space to not have to plan anything. There are a few things we need – food, fresh air, a long walk, more wood for the fire. That means I’ve got time to plan and think, move and do, create and embrace all of the things I wanted to do with Lovefestjourney last year but wasn’t able to with enough focus and love.

I’ve been seeing a practitioner here for about two months now and after my last acupuncture treatment I just sort of knew what I needed to do. Lying in silence on that table I was able to see all of the various things that are available to me, and more importantly, that I don’t need to settle for something or someone that doesn’t fit. Just like I treated myself with kindness, with love and with patience when I was trying to conceive a baby three years ago, I recognize that I deserve those things now. You don’t need to stay with a practitioner, or living in a house or a city you don’t love. You don’t need to keep talking to someone who makes you feel crummy. On the other hand, if you’re interested in something, let yourself be curious. Try new things. I’ve had a hard time with this lately because things look different than the first time I was in this place. The same amount of space and time isn’t available to me which can make me feel like I need to rush. But I don’t want to. There is time. And just like I somehow knew I would find myself in Paris again, I know one day when I’m ready, I’ll discover my next lovefestbaby on this ever winding lovefestjourney.

BE OPEN TO THE UNIVERSE

BE OPEN TO LIFE

BE OPEN TO THE EXPERIENCE

TRUST YOUR INTUITION

HAVE FAITH

*If you haven’t seen I am hosting the next Seasonal Mama Dinner on Saturday February 4th in Toronto. You can purchase your tickets here. I can’t wait to share a cozy evening with you!*