Stand beside me all the while
Face the future with a smile
Trust in me and
I’ll be worthy of you
There’s this thing that happens when we let go and trust.
It usually doesn’t come easily to us and it isn’t something that we are always ready and willing to dive into.
For the past 22 months I have been blinded in a sense – or maybe masked is the better way to put it? At least that’s what it feels like. For whatever reason as Agatha gets older and as I get further from my first pregnancy and newborndom I am able to recognize ( yet again ) just how in it I was. And before that, just how focused I was on getting to that place. At times, it felt like there wasn’t much room for much of anything else.
And now I’m in this place where all I want to do is carve out room for things. And learn things and get involved in things. It’s like this magical shift from being the nurturer of someone else ( I obviously still very much am ) to being my own nurturer.
But it’s left me feeling stuck in a way. Stuck in the idea of self doubt, stuck in the idea that if I dive in I won’t handle enough, I won’t produce enough, I won’t be enough.
I am one that likes to connect a little more deeply to myself on a daily basis – it isn’t easy staring yourself in the face. Each day, when I go to the space I’ve carved out for myself in my own home I am able to remind myself of why it is that I am doing what I’m doing. I don’t have to help, guide or inspire people but somewhere somehow deep down that’s just what I’ve felt like I was always called to do.
A woman I admire greatly (and I think has gone through some similar feelings) once wrote this –
“In order for me to grow on my spiritual path I must be willing to get messy and vulnerable and no matter what, out of my own way.”
I think it’s magic. It asks us to check in on the why. For all of us it looks a little different depending on what our paths are. What is it that gets you out of bed? What are you offering, what are you providing, what are you doing that fills you up? I’ve met so many incredible souls over these past 6 months being here and it never ceases to amaze me the things that I admire in others. Mostly because I am sure that most days it feels like they don’t think what they are doing is enough. One is a fearless mama of two kids who are 14 months apart – she’s beginning to gently bring in the idea of home schooling – something I think takes so much courage. Another is also mama of two and knows she wants more for them in terms of where and how they’re living so she and her husband have decided to up and move to a different continent to reconnect with her husband’s family and roots. Lastly one that is staring her fertility issues right in the face and doing something about it. Yoga, breath work, seeing a practitioner, asking for help – none of which are easy things.
I think we have this tendency to think that if we are doing these things – travel, yoga, changing what we eat or how we live – our lives are somehow totally low key and just role-with-it-go-with-the-flow. In my opinion, they aren’t. In fact, arguably they are sometimes much harder because we are actually addressing how to deal with what’s coming up. No matter who is looking and no matter how much recognition we do or don’t receive.
It’s about trusting and believing – it’s about ASKING and receiving. It’s about getting out of our own way, quieting our heads and diving in.
Jeff and I had a big conversation last night in front of an awesome fire and it lead me to a lot of tears. A lot, a lot of tears. Opening up and bringing up all the things that are stuck for me isn’t easy as much as I am a talker. There is so much to work on. And so much to heal. A year ago we were being faced with the wild decision to move to a different country, to leave family and friends, to re-start in a big new way. We could have easily stayed where we were but the magic that we’ve already been able to create here – however small – has been just that. We both asked for change. We knew we needed a new place and space to heal and connect. We knew we needed nature and something smaller. We new we needed to adjust what we were filling our days with. We wanted more positive and less negative. So we asked and when it came to us, it was the scariest thing ever to receive.
In those moments it’s easy to confuse your inner voice that might be screaming out THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. But I *think* what it’s saying is YOU GOT THIS. ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER. GO SLOW. GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY AND KEEP WALKING FORWARD.
I’ve always been amazed at my intuition – before I knew it was that, I used to think it was this tiny other person inside of me that somehow just helped me recognize what felt good/bad, comfortable/uncomfortable. As I’ve gotten to know myself more intimately and connected more with the spiritual part of myself, I can now see that it was my intuition all along. It is what helps me to remember the why and even to see how I can go about doing the things I crave to do, when I can finally quiet my head.
There’s a New Moon on March 28th. It’s said to be a blank page. A moment to set intentions and plant seeds. It’s a new beginning. Use it. Write a list. Stick it in a spot that you gravitate towards in your home – somewhere you can visit every day or couple of days just to keep reminding those intentions that you’re still hoping and dreaming of them.
And if you feel like a great Sunday jam, I’ve been playing this for two days straight ( really loud ).