November 8, 2017

To be available

Mama’s hand is available.

That’s what Agatha will say when we are out for a walk since she’s started going to a little Montessori morning program a few mornings a week. When they go on walks at school the kids usually ride in the ‘roller coaster’ which is one of those multi seat carriages meant to tote our babies around. Aggie almost always opts to walk. But unlike our walks where she’s free to run ahead and explore on her own, and where she knows she needs to stop at the end of a sidewalk to hold a hand before crossing – that isn’t an option where she is ( which I totally respect and appreciate ). So in her teachers words, they offer up their hands and by doing so they let Agatha know who’s hand is available on the walk – whether it’s one of two teachers or another kid’s.

As we’ve entered the ripe age of two and a half we’re being opened up to the boundary pushing, love needing, wild emotional ride that’s exploding in her brain. It’s one of the most amazing things I’ve ever witnessed, and I say that with a big deep breath. It isn’t easy, and some days it makes me feel like I wish I could hide and not be available for just one second. But as I’ve been reading more, and as I’ve been feeling my own pull to be both independant and dependant ( probably for most of my life ) I’m recognizing how incredible it is to actually feel and be available. To get down on the ground and welcome a hug when it’s asked for, to let her sit on my lap on a day when she might be feeling more tender and work through dinner that way, to put away the phones and the computers and say I’m here. Lately she’s been asking about safety – when we drop Jeff off at work it’ll be “Dada’s office is safe today?” or when we park our car “our blue car is safe here, no one will touch it.” It’s one of the most kind hearted things I’ve heard in a long time, a genuine from the depth of her tiny heart, are we all going to be okay? Are we all going to make it through the day and be reunited at the dinner table tonight?

Growing another human in the midst of all of these swirling feelings and thoughts has me thinking about what it means to be available in fertility, pregnancy and motherhood. Can we voice how we’re feeling? Can we be honest about what feels truly vulnerable? Can we recognize what feels like too much and what feels like we can genuinely handle?

As I was visiting one of my favourite practitioners last week we talked about bravery and feeling like we’re enough. We openly discussed what it looks like to feel as though you deserve something – I don’t mean this in a materialistic way, but more to genuinely have gratitude for the abundance that is your life, that you called in, that you brought forth and that is just as natural as the way you breathe. Where we landed was in a sea of mixed emotions. For me to feel available to people I often feel as though I need to belittle myself, situations I’ve been in or just actively make myself feel vulnerable in order to get on someone else’s level of pain, frustration, anger, sadness, happiness or hurt.

I now realize, with all of my heart, that I do not need to do that. I don’t need to be available in that exposed way if it makes me feel uncomfortable or if my intuition is telling me something is off. Once you get to know yourself well enough it becomes glaringly obvious what people, situations, places make us feel like we should cover ourselves up – like we need to protect some of the valuable goodness that we have learned to emit.

So I’d like to introduce you to my white light. To my protective bubble. To my grounding force. She’s a wild force, she’s fierce, she’s soft, she’s open and she’s so damn cozy. She keeps me feeling safe and allows me to be vulnerable and more than anything she helps me to be available in situations where I might have felt as though I couldn’t be ( maybe knowing there was going to be some lingering hesitation, frustration, sadness or hurt ).

I want to invite you to stop reading for a minute. To close your eyes. To place your feet on the ground. To take a deep inhale and let it all out your mouth. Now envision what your white light looks like – does it snug your body closely? Is it more of loose fabric covering? Does it actually look like a juicy dancing rainbow bubble that surrounds you? Whatever it is, get to know it. See how sturdy it is, how it’s only purpose is to surround you and your body. Trust it. Sink into it and let it be there – no force, no real effort, just a visual that this magic force is around you always. To help you be more true to you while also allowing you to be available and present and to give without giving too much of you. You can use it when you feel vulnerable, when you feel like you need an extra ounce of bravery or fierceness or if you’re just feeling really not great. I once read that you can liken it to taking a shower – as a cleansing practice if you feel like there is a person that you struggle to communicate with or when you feel anger surrounding you. When we empower ourselves with this guiding light, we allow it to surround, protect, heal and guide us as it envelopes our entire being.

It’s kind of like we’re able to create our own little bit of magic, how cool is that?


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