December 12, 2017

Dismantle the shadow

I woke up this morning with that all too familiar feeling in my chest. If I’m being honest, it came yesterday, slowly throughout the day, until finally at 8pm I knew that I was full.

Full of the feeling of not enough, of discouragement, of frustration, lack of time and feeling like there is too much to do. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when we’re in the middle of what could be called ‘the busiest season of the year’. All around swirling are thoughts about gifts and gatherings, places to be and who we should be seeing.

I woke up this morning to Agatha asking for me from the next room. Jeff looked at his watch and told me it was 5:30am. We have this thing about not getting her until 6am, especially on the days when it’s so dark and know she can probably fall back asleep, so I left her for a bit. She quieted down but at 6 I went and grabbed her and brought her into our bed. She immediately asked me to open. To some that might sound strange, but to Agatha that’s her way of asking me to roll onto my side so she can feel the mole that’s hidden at the base of my neck – her comfort spot. So I open and I roll over and let her grab hold so we’re intertwined and lying there. Knees get brought up and she softens. But then she starts twisting and turning and she’s kicking my belly and it just all becomes too much. Too much sensation, too much kicking on the inside, outside and people around me. I know when I need to breathe because it’s usually in moments like this where I just feel so full of everything inside me that I can’t quite cope with what’s going on around me.

I know I’m a highly sensitive person in more than a few ways. What I feel so blessed by, is my ability to move that feeling of fullness into creating space within myself so I can better take care of myself, and the people and things around me.

I stumbled upon this in my notebook last night before bed and wanted to share it here – when you feel strong and connected to yourself , it doesn’t matter what else is going on, or who’s doing what. Create rituals to connect to your own rhythm. 

That’s what this morning felt like. Where there was comparison, judgement, frustration and fullness, I came back to a ritual that wholly supports me – my breath.

I asked Jeff if he could lie with Agatha and I slipped out of bed. I crossed the hall to the room I breathe in, lit my candles, sprayed some of this magic and started breathing deeply. It was all there. I came back to alternate nostril breathing which I haven’t done independently in a long long time. At one point, after a few cycles where I normally stop, I kept going. I kept allowing myself to be grounded where I was, to sink in and create even more space. I spoke to the baby, said good morning and then found myself writing. That’s usually what happens – I end up craving to share what I’ve just experienced, even if it’s immediate. It’s like all of a sudden I have these moments where I want to support all of the people who are feeling too full and too rushed and too overwhelmed and bring them all into a room and help slow every part of them down.

I have this list that I’ve kept for a while – it has on it all of the things I’m calling out to the universe about. Over the past year I’ve been able to cross out some very big ones  – one that is still left on there that’s been in my heart for even longer is a breathwork workshop. It’s all about heartwork and breathing and loving on yourself. It’s about creating your own universe list and vision board so that you can call for things that are in your heart. It’s about learning new tools to support you, so that you too in times of fullness can turn to this practice and allow yourself to remember this – I am enough. I have enough. I have everything I need to create space in my own body and heart. 

DISMANTLE THE SHADOW: A lovefest workshop

Saturday January 20 6pm


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