When I think about accepting my whole self a few things come to mind . The biggest one being that there’s room to improve – that there’s actually so much to work on, to forgive, and maybe even mostly to heal. I’ve been seeing a therapist for about 10 months now – someone who has allowed me to show up as my most positive self, my most scared self, my most sarcastic self and my most sacred self. All true embodiments of me, all who show up at very different times in my life. If you’ve been reading for a while you know I’ve been working on accepting the grey space – that is, not forcing everything to be such a high or a low. Working on creating a middle ground where feelings can exist, where I can acknowledge them, where I can feel them but where I don’t necessarily need them to be all of me. Does that make sense?
Last night, the baby growing within made herself abundantly present in my body – moving, nudging, shifting – I couldn’t tell if it was what we ate for dinner (a staple of fish, steamed broccoli and brown rice) or if it was something else. I woke up at 2am hoping it was 5am so I could get up and write but instead I encouraged myself to fall back asleep, and I did. As soon as I did wake up though, I pulled myself in here – my room to breathe and move and ground. I sprayed this goodness all around me, lit my favourite pine cone beeswax candle and sat in front of my altar.
The sun started to rise outside – not in like the obvious, sun peaking out from behind the trees kind of way, but in that subtle sky turns from indigo to grey to that light early morning blue.
I read my list of things that I want to cultivate for this year.
And I thought about waiting. Waiting for them to happen, wanting them to happen, yes. But also waiting. And then I thought, what am I waiting for? In my search for breathing slowly, living slowly and actually b e i n g slow I recognize that now is what I’m waiting for.
What if we change our mentality and we decide to breathe in all of us today. Breathe in the love we want to feel surrounding our whole being, what if we breathe out the fear that creeps in after a long hard day. What if we open our heart to the fact that today, right now actually, we can LOVE this whole person (us, me, you). With our whole entire being. In that way, it’s kind of like we are embracing the dark grey blue sky that’s in front of us as we welcome the morning. Knowing full well that the sun will come up at some point and illuminate all that we want to start radiating out of our bodies. It’s the idea of taking today and loving it instead of always feeling like tomorrow, or next week, or in 21 days we’ll be feeling better.
I don’t know what this means for this version of the 21 day Holistic Eating and Living Journey. It’s been interesting doing it on my own for the first time since June 2014. Where I haven’t been writing emails to all of the participants (in all fairness, I just sort of up and decided I was doing this just for me last week this time) and instead pouring the energy into myself, or to the work that’s in front of me.
The adventure this week will be how to stay in each day fully (as best I can). To come back to the things on my list, to breathe deeply, to grow a happy and healthy baby, to listen to my heart, to do what genuinely feels good. When I feel like I’m losing control, when I feel like I’m waiting for something to happen (it could be as simple as an email to come in), I’ll choose what to do with that time. I’ll look at my list and remember that I’m asking for a thriving business or a supple and free moving body or a soft place to land. And then I’ll help create that.
I found my old journal from when I was pregnant with Agatha and written on the first page is this –
I am in harmony with all of life – the sun, the moon, the winds, the rain, the earth, and the movements of the earth. I am at peace with the elements. I am safe.
Early morning sounds.
Posted by Thankful Sage Farm School on Thursday, June 15, 2017