November 8, 2017

To be available

Mama’s hand is available.

That’s what Agatha will say when we are out for a walk since she’s started going to a little Montessori morning program a few mornings a week. When they go on walks at school the kids usually ride in the ‘roller coaster’ which is one of those multi seat carriages meant to tote our babies around. Aggie almost always opts to walk. But unlike our walks where she’s free to run ahead and explore on her own, and where she knows she needs to stop at the end of a sidewalk to hold a hand before crossing – that isn’t an option where she is ( which I totally respect and appreciate ).

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October 28, 2017

In a safe place

In a safe place.

A quiet and gentle place.

Where you can sleep. And read. And quiet your head.

Where you can release anger and frustration.

Where you can regain patience. Where you can create s p a c e for you.

I often choose to stick with it, to stay with them instead of taking a much needed breather these days. Part feeling like I’m going to miss something. Part wanting to be there in case I’m needed. But in reality, when are we not needed?
And how much do we need a safe place?

More often than not we do. As mothers, as parents,

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October 18, 2017

A shell

We were sitting in a goofy local fish restaurant on the North Shore. I had a fried Walleye sandwich in front of me and Aggie and Jeff were sharing a fresh fish chowder. I just started tearing up looking over at them and I thought to myself – I feel like a shell of me. 

I feel like this huge part of my energy, my life force, my whole being has just disappeared.

And that’s what it felt like from the moment I found out until just a few short weeks ago. I didn’t have HG, I just had your regular morning till night nausea, sickness, sadness, exhaustion and loneliness that left me feeling empty.

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September 6, 2017

Try a little tenderness

As I lay her down one last final time, I saw her eyes flutter closed. I heard her breath get a little deeper and I felt her finally relax. And then I felt myself relax. And then I heard this song explode in my ears and all I wanted to do was dance.

It was like the ultimate mom win and it felt so fucking good. It honestly just made me want to wake her up and be like HEY! We did it. We both chilled out enough to finally let this all sink in. Two hours later, who even cares. We’re here and I’ve just laid you down and it worked.

It amazes me that I still harbour nap anxiety.

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