I’ve shared with you how we found out. I’ve shared with you how I felt about food but I haven’t shared how those first three months f e l t.

 You feel elated. You feel confused. You feel overwhelmed. You feel scared. You feel over the moon no words can describe beaming happiness out of every pore of your body.

 You can read a million books (which I feel like I have) but you don’t really know what sorts of things can happen. And trust me, googling does not help.

 At around 8 weeks I woke up bleeding. I remember looking down and just feeling my heart sinking into my stomach. I ran back into bed and just looked at Jeff and said ‘I just saw blood’. I buried my head into the covers and just burst into tears. I couldn’t stop sobbing for a very very very long time.

 The only thing that I kept thinking about was ‘what did I do’. You can’t help but to think it’s something you’ve done. Something you didn’t know you weren’t supposed to do but you did. I racked my brain.

 Blood is normal. Not for everyone, but for a lot of ladies, blood is normal.

 Nowhere on the internet does it say that. Every blog, every forum, every website makes you feel as though you are going to lose the baby if you see blood. There are no real support websites or people to call unless you have someone you’ve been working with that is ok with you reaching out at all hours of the day. I reached out to my fertility acupuncturist and she talked me down. I reached out to my old Naturopath and she reassured me.

 “Yeah they should hand us a statement when we find out we are pregnant that says most women will spot-don’t stress it’s usually nothing!  Because no matter what you know, you still get that sick feeling when you see it.”

 So here I am, writing to all of you, to tell you that it’s OK. That it can be normal even though it’s the scariest thing.

 After Jeff helped me calm down he asked what he could do to help. I knew from all the reading that there really wasn’t anything we could actually do unless I started cramping badly or the bleeding increased. I just stopped and I took a deep breath. Every part of my body was just telling me to slow down- to lie down and to rest for one day. I asked him to stay home and just lie with me and he did. He’s pretty much the best best friend in the entire world. We watched movies and I slept. I had a bath then I lay back down. He made me lunch, we ate apples ( my favourite thing that week ) and we just talked.

 I had a tiny bit of blood the next day but by the third day I was in the clear. I still check almost every day. It’s a fear that doesn’t really go away, it’s gotten better as my belly grows and as I get further along but there will always be a fear and that’s what really sucks.

 On other days I would get light cramps, I would get quick sharp pains, or I would feel small pains in places I didn’t even know existed. None of these felt ‘normal’ but here I am. Remind yourself that your body is changing. And not like you’re casually gaining weight over your first year of university. Your body is rapidly changing, and growing a freaking baby. There are so many special, gentle things at work here so just keep reminding yourself of that. Give your body what it needs, listen to what it’s telling you and in general, slow down. Make less plans, go to bed early, eat what you want to eat and take days off when you need them. No one knows what things are feeling like, except for you.

 I wish I had some amazing advice to help get rid of the fear altogether and just push confidence into all the crevasses it once lived in but maybe that’s not what we need. The fear in a weird way makes you feel the weight of what is happening. It lets you know how insanely precious this life is that you’re creating. It reminds you that you did something so special and awesome that you need to be thankful each and every day it’s happening.

Because the goodness of it, the realness of it, seeing the tiny thing squirm on a screen, hearing a heartbeat, that innate knowing that something is different, it’s unlike anything else you’ll experience. The intimacy of talking about your baby with your partner, sharing the news with family and friends, that’s what makes the bad days make sense.

And there is so much more to come. 

 

A LITTLE WEEKEND TREAT: YOUTH LAGOON – 17