How do you climb out of a hole? Do you dig? Do you grab? Do you pull? 

The past two weeks have been their own kind of journey. One I could not have possibly foreseen. 

Right from the labour up to early this morning I have been constantly surprised with the decisions I have been faced with. 

Insurmountable pain. Fear. Joy. Frustration. Sadness. Confusion. Loneliness. Happiness. Excitement. 

Positive energy, negative energy, stuck energy. 

They say Day 2/3 can be the hardest. Your milk hasn’t come in. Your exhausted and healing. Your baby is hungry and growing. There is a lot going on with both of you. When our midwife came over to check on Aggie she mentioned two things. A tongue tie and my milk not being in – therefore she wasn’t getting enough to eat. I was devastated and didn’t feel I had the resources to know what to do. Throughout pregnancy I was the one in charge. What I was putting in my body was helping to create my healthy happy baby. Outside of my body, I felt like I was out of control.

Jeff and I spoon fed her formula for 24 hours. I can’t even begin to tell you what that felt like. It was a decision I never in a million years thought I would make. But I did it. I was down. And it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and stay positive about. If Jeff hadn’t been there I don’t know what I would have done. He woke up every two hours with a smile on his face and grabbed that tiny spoon and went to town with her. He was the champion for me for those 24 hours. 

Two days later I decided to climb. I decided to dig and to pull myself up and out of that hole. We had just gotten back from a crummy doctors appointment. I went upstairs to the room I had been breathing and stretching in for 10 months with Aggie in my belly. I took my shirt off and brought her as close to me as possible. I breathed with her to calm both of us down.

She latched and fed on both sides that afternoon. It was the biggest win I could have possibly asked for and one that I desperately needed. 

I have surprised myself with what I am willing to do now that Aggie is here. Because when you’re that tired, when you’re that sad, when you’re that frustrated, seeing something you put so much love into creating in pain, hungry or tired, you’ll pretty much do anything to change that. 

There are many other things that have happened in the past two weeks. And I know it’s just the beginning. There are going to be a lot more obstacles and lot more decisions to make. What I’m slowly learning is that you are the only one that can make that call for yourself. You’re the one to listen to. Because when you’re in a hole, there isn’t just one way to get out. Each of us will pick a different method, we will most likely all choose a different path – the one that works best for us.

This morning, after very little sleep for both of us, I decided to climb again. I slid her into my baby wrap and pulled her in close. I threw on some shoes and walked out the door down to the water. The same route I took for those two weeks while I was waiting and encouraging her to come out. Within two minutes she was asleep. The sun was shining down on my face and all I could hear was this song playing in my head. 

I’ll keep taking small wins where I can get them and I’ll keep climbing. Because eventually you’ll find your groove, you’ll figure out your path and eventually you’ll get out. You’ll resurface stronger, more resilient and more confident than you ever knew you were. 

For another very insightful and real take on those first few weeks from a fellow blogger in Ottawa read on here.