If I’m being honest (which I want to be), this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. 

And I’ve lost it more times than I can count now. I’ve broken down and cried, I’ve laughed so much it hurts, I’ve sulked and lazed about and most recently I’ve just felt at a loss. 

Is she supposed to be doing more? Sleeping more? Eating less? On a better schedule? Am I doing something wrong? Am I the only one feeling like this? 

And then I realize. I can’t be. There’s no way the universe would help us to have these amazing tiny people and somehow single just one of us out to have {what we think} to be challenging a baby. 

And to that point, is she even challenging? Or is she just a baby? New to this world, new to these smells and noises. New to these other people, to conversation, to silly sounds and poorly sung songs. 

I sometimes think we all expect just a little too much. If your baby sleeps through the night already I couldn’t be happier for you ( I meant it – that’s amazing ). But right now I’m going through some kind of sleep regression – back to basics, back to newborn-ness and it’s really really freaking hard. I’m being tested, I’m being pushed to my limits. I think because everything was so new at the beginning, that the lack of sleep was just somehow manageable. But the fact that we got over that, the fact that we were sleeping longer stretches and now we’ve gone b a c k, it’s left me feeling frustrated and incompetent and like I’ve done something wrong.

This game of self blame isn’t worth it. It doesn’t help. 

Tonight when I came home I cleaned my house. Like really really cleaned it. Purged some things, vacuumed, swept, wiped down tables, put clothes away – things I’ve put off or just really honestly haven’t had time to deal with since Aggie came earthside. And you know what? It felt SO GOOD. I forgot that having this physical clutter sometimes leads to mental clutter. You walk in the house and BAM! you’re hit with dirt and piles and stuff everywhere. It’s overwhelming. And when you aren’t feeling 100% mentally, looking around your house with things everywhere, it can just leave you feeling helpless and like there is no where for it all to go. Like that beautiful clearing we all innately know to be out there is somehow hidden by some big scratchy overgrown weed that we can’t see through. 

It made me realize a few things. 

We really don’t need that much. Physical stuff clutters our mental head space. This rings especially true when you have a tiny person. 

Don’t be so hard on yourself. It isn’t you. And it also isn’t them. It isn’t your partner. It’s the newness, the uncertainty, the weirdness, the not talking, the breastfeeding, the bottle feeding, the sleeping, the not sleeping, the lack of routine, too much routine…I could go on. There is just so much going on that when we put the pressure on ourselves, we end up in a worse place than we were before. 

Stop and take a deep breath. Jeff stopped me yesterday morning and just reminded me of something that I think is so important. This beginning stage is a teeny weeny tiny blip in the entire journey with them. It’s an important time but it’s small in the grand scheme of things. We’re all just learning. This too shall pass. 

Did you hear me?

This too shall pass.

Say it to yourself as many times as you need to. I am right there with you.