I will be the first to admit that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Maybe even more so because I am just so emotional.

As we slowly approach the six month mark there is a whole new whack of things I’m starting to think about. Sitting up, first foods, milk production, weight gain, night feedings, sleeping through the night, what’s normal, what’s not normal. It’s like my head is constantly racing with all of these variants. Nothing feels normal. Nothing feels right. 

Innately I know I’m doing a good job. I think when you are filled with pure love and respect for yourself and your child it just sort of happens. But confidence? That’s something I haven’t struggled with in a long time. I am usually a make-a-decision-and-go-full-steam-ahead type of person. Lately? I’m wavering. I’m feeling lofty. I’m feeling unsure. Like anger to me, lack of confidence is a really uncomfortable feeling. I don’t like not feeling like I know what I’m doing. And I can only fake it for so long until the weight of it just sort of naturally builds up and I feel lost.

I think it’s most likely the fact that with Jeff, we are 100% responsible for this tiny person we created. When it was just me during my fertility journey I knew and was fully responsible for what I was doing for myself. I was choosing what to eat and what to do to help give myself the best possible chance at getting pregnant.

When I did finally get pregnant I was one body housing two hearts. I was actively making choices that I felt would best help this baby inside me grow. I was confident that I had all the tools I needed to make sure I was growing one very happy and healthy baby.

And then she entered this world. I was consumed with tiredness, newness, love and constant action and activity trying to keep up with both our needs. But I still felt confident. I remember talking to one of my closest girlfriends when Jeff and I had to make the decisions about genetic testing during pregnancy. I specifically told her that the weight of making those decisions were some of the hardest I ever had to make. She just said very plainly  – this is only the beginning.Having a kid is the start of constantly making decisions. Some easy and some very hard – and sometimes you’ll make the right call and other times you won’t. But you’ll learn. You’re always learning so that you can gain the confidence that you won’t make the same mistake twice. So that you can have the knowledge that the decisions you feel are the ‘biggest’ are actually some of the smallest.

Should I give Agatha a different probiotic to see if it calms her stomach a little more? What should her first food be?  These are questions and thoughts that most definitely are not rocket science and in fact as I re-read what I just wrote, they seem silly, but they’re real. They are the actual thoughts that are streaming through my head on a daily basis.

The other morning I stopped myself. And for whatever reason in this one moment I realized that my confidence was missing, my g r o o v e  was no where to be seen.

And so I made a list of the things I’m feeling unsure of, and then I made a list of what my suggestions would be to someone who came to me with that exact same list. And then it just sort of hit me.

There might never be an exact perfect 100% RIGHT decision. But it’s our decision. Right now, its up to us to find the answer. And we love her. And we’re intuitive people. And we’re human.

We need to act from a place of confidence that will not only serve her best but also us. Because if we aren’t good, then how can she be good?

Today we happened to go see her Pediatrician for her 4 month check up. I feel so lucky that I happen to have the worlds most ‘chill’ doctor. I wouldn’t normally use that word but he honestly is the most relaxed doctor I’ve ever met. And it’s kind of the best, especially on a day like today. I walked in there feeling like this totally unsure mama and I strutted out with my baby strapped to my chest with my head held high knowing I am the mum of a totally juicy 4.5 month old baby. I left knowing that what makes her smile is the right thing to do and what feels wrong to me most likely isn’t the right solution.

Feeling things out as they come is the method I’m taking. Not too much planning, not too much thinking, just experiencing what happens on a daily basis with the three of us. Continuing to tell myself that I actually do know exactly what to do. I just need to sit still for a minute and listen a little harder.