Celebrating 6 months of Agatha at this dreamy cidery near Caledon, Ontario

Well if you are what you love
And you do what you love
I will always be the sun and moon to you
And if you share with your heart
Yeah, you give with your heart
What you share with the world is what it keeps of you
[Give a little love, Noah + The Whale]

As a new mum, I often ask myself, or find myself asking Jeff “what’s best?”. It’s not that I don’t sort of know, but sometimes, if I’m being honest, I sort of don’t. Last night over dinner we were talking about what’s best for us, what’s best for Agatha, what’s best for our futures, for our goals and aspirations. Because shouldn’t all these things matter? It feels impossible today to really harness all of those what ifs – in any given situation, it feels like there could be a really great what if and a really terrible what if. I guess that’s why making decisions is so damn hard sometimes.

I find myself doubting the fact that I’m a mother sometimes. Like somedays I wake up and can’t really believe that I’m her mum. Or anyones mum for that matter. Does anyone else ever feel like they are wearing shoes that are too big? A dress that hugs you in all the wrong places and a hat that covers your eyes? Sometimes I feel like I’m not worthy of the title adult, or mama or woman. Like I still feel like a girl wandering around looking for where I’m supposed to be.

Some days I find that I need to make a conscious effort to acknowledge all that I am – first me, then a woman, a wife, and a mother (amongst other things). It’s not that I feel like I lost who I was before having a baby, because I don’t think that’s the case. It’s just that all this extra stuff gets added to your plate when you become a mama. And it happens so quickly. All of a sudden it’s 6 months later.

A month ago I felt like I was drowning. You can read more about that here. I wasn’t in a good place, mostly because I was severely sleep deprived. And it was so hard because everyone kept saying it would get better – better with food, better with time, better with age. I decided to take a stand and with Jeff we hired a sleep consultant to help us create a plan. With all the newness of becoming parents and with the lack of sleep we were both getting, we needed someone to hold our hand and help guide us out of the dark. The day Jessica emailed us our Sleep Plan I felt like the lights finally came back on. I knew it would be challenging and that it would mean a lot of time at home, but I had nothing to lose. Things really couldn’t get any worse. Within 5 days I saw improvements and by day 11 things we were in a totally regular rhythm. It was one of the best decisions we made together.

There are a lot of things I said I wouldn’t do before I got pregnant. A lot of things I thought I would feel ashamed or embarrassed about, but saying what I need out loud? Voicing how I feel? I will never ever let myself feel guilty about that again. At yesterdays mama gathering we all talked about what we needed, what we want and how to stand our ground. We talked about losing patience some days, about needing space, about craving time for ourselves. Sometimes asking for help (whatever form that comes in) is exactly what you need to do. Sometimes telling someone ‘no’ is the absolute right decision for you and your tiny person.

Taking the time to say to one another “this is what’s best for our family” is the absolute right thing to do.

It takes courage. And bravery.

But when you do it, you’ll notice you’re standing just a little bit taller and a little bit freer.