November 5, 2015

Being true to you

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Why do we feel ashamed? Embarrassed? Like how we feel isn’t enough? It could be the way we grew up, it could just be a moment of insecurity or maybe something someone said to us.

I felt stuck for a few days this past week. Like I wasn’t sure where I stood, like I was straddling this river. Which side do I want to be on?

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I feel like some part of me wanted to be able to say having a baby wouldn’t change the way I feel. That I wouldn’t let it massively impact the decisions I make. But how can I stand by that? Agatha is the happiest baby to me. Her smile literally makes me beam, inside and out, and of course I am going to base decisions on her. Of course I want to do what will better her. And I want to do what will better me. And my family. Because that’s what we have right now. And that’s what being true to me looks like right now.

The honesty, the courage, the knowledge, the trust that we do know what’s better. What’s real. What could be – what should be.

After the dinner I hosted a few weeks ago and after my first mama gathering on Monday I can honestly say that the biggest thing that has resonated with me is how many of the mama’s I’ve met are struggling with hearing their voice – with hearing their own mama intuition.

So many things can blindside us. We are unbelievably emotional and sensitive right now, heck, fragile even. Things that we normally could withstand somehow blow us over. We teeter when we used to stand rooted with two feet planted on the earth. When we’re going through huge life changes it’s so easy to feel insecure, unsure and alone. But we have to know that being true to ourselves and being p r o u d of our decisions is a huge feat of it’s own. It allows us to really stand tall and breathe in all the goodness that we’ve helped to bring our way.

My mum came over today and we started talking about how this time last year I told her I was pregnant. And how she didn’t believe me. Not that she didn’t want to, but that like me, she thought it was going to be damn near impossible to get a baby growing in my body. I forget that most days. I forget how hard I worked, how much courage it took to work with my body to get pregnant.

When I meet with women who want to get pregnant I want to hug them and squeeze them and tell them that they will make a baby one day. And when I meet mama’s who have lost their compass, I want to help steer them back on course.

We all have it within us. We are all capable of patting ourselves on the back. Of being courageous, of taking risks, of feeling proud and standing tall. It isn’t easy most days but we have the ability to do it.

When we finally recognize what it is that we do want, let’s do just that. Let’s recognize it. Let’s say it and act it and feel it. Let’s be true to what we know is sometimes screaming from the inside out. If one of us does it, maybe the rest of us will follow suit.

tty3

[This list was taken from a blog post just after Aggie was born but I felt like it suited this post – a good reminder to us all]

When Aggie moved earthside I realized these 5 things very quickly:

1- the necessity of letting go, simply for the reason that some things are too heavy to hold

2- the dynamics of family transform when you have your own baby, your roles change, grow and evolve, therefore your priorities change, that’s OK

3- stay confident, stay true to what you believe, stay tuned into what is important to you and your partner, don’t let what others say make you waver on what you hold to be true

4- you are in charge of your own happiness, on good days, on bad days, on days when you just can’t do anymore, find the strength to capture one ounce of goodness – good energy is contagious

5- love hard, love strong, love with every ounce of yourself – love your tiny person, your partner and find time to shower your own self with love, you are amazing

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