After reading one of the most heart wrenching and simultaneously heart felt articles I wanted to talk about something I talked about almost a year ago – before I got pregnant. Although I have personally never miscarried, I do know something about the feeling of wanting a baby so badly that it literally overtakes your entire being. Alexandra shares her personal memoir on miscarrying at 11 weeks pregnant and then later finding out that she can no longer become pregnant after a series of uterine surgeries. It’s a challenging article to read (in that it’s very very honest and emotional but that sort of comes with the baby making territory) but I would encourage you if you feel like it. I think what I appreciate most is that through her experience and over time she learns to honour both herself, her baby and her partner.
“That night, after Jeremy went to bed, I sat at our dining-room table, lit the candles in a crystal candelabra we’d been given for our wedding, and spoke out loud for a while to the baby I’d lost. I gave her a name and addressed her by it. I told her I was sorry: that my body couldn’t house her; that I couldn’t let her go. I did this every night for two months.”
[ A blog post that I wrote in October 2014]
There are some things that we don’t think we’re supposed to talk about. Deep dark personal things that can be joyous. They can also be painful. They can make us smile and cry at the exact same time. Things that make us angry, or frustrated. Confused and overwhelmed.
And it’s usually in these moments that we really need to talk to someone, to lean on someone, to cry, to scream, to just hug someone. Yet how often does that actually happen?
I’ve spent some time speaking to a handful of different ladies about their own experiences with the first trimester and the potential of a miscarriage. Two completely intertwined yet totally different experiences. One that needs the other to happen, and one that hopefully happens without ever seeing even a hint of the other.
In general, there is this idea that we aren’t supposed to tell anyone except maybe our partners when we find out we’re pregnant. Maybe it wasn’t planned, but maybe we’ve spent years trying for this magical thing and it finally happens one day. Why is it that our first instinct is to stay quiet, to bury it deep within us until that magical 12 week mark? More often than not, it’s the fear and reality of miscarriage. There are obviously other personal reasons for not wanting to share ( for instance some couples might chose to wait until they have had all of their prenatal testing done).
I firmly believe that this is a hugely personal decision with no right or wrong answer – it’s whatever feels right to you and your partner. I just wanted to talk about the things that we aren’t talking about so that women who follow along know that there are other ladies, just like them, experiencing very similar things. It’s horrible to feel alone. To want to share joy but also be filled with natural fear. Nothing about that is easy. It’s like we’ve waited so long to become this super strong pregnant mama and then when it finally happens we immediately feel so protective and worried that we might do something to lose the precious being. In the words of my amazing fertility acupuncturist/herbalist when we were talking about miscarriage: “know that there is nothing you can “do” to lose it – aside from maybe falling hard, going on roller coasters or taking the wrong herbs – but that’s what I’m here for :)”.
The first trimester for some women is the most trying of the entire pregnancy. Expecting to feel one way and feeling another. Experiencing bleeding off and on, unsure of what’s going on and what that means. Feeling so nauseous they can barely eat. Wanting to fall asleep at every point during the day. Feeling self conscious of their changing body. Feeling cramps and shifts internally but not knowing why they are happening. These aren’t easy things to deal with for anyone, but combine it with wild hormones and a changing figure and you’ve got a lot happening in a woman’s mind and body. Of the women I spoke to and in my own experience with pregnancy literature, I heard a lot of feedback on what there is to read out there. The books we have focus on the positive, on the wonderful stages, on the birth of the coming tiny person. But rarely do they focus on the teeny tiny small shifts that are happening throughout the first trimester. I think I know why – most every person’s body and experience is different. It’s impossible to pinpoint exactly how things are going to unfold. I think that’s why I feel it’s so important to have a practitioner you’re seeing regularly. It can be really scary to not have someone to touch base with weekly to really feel confidant about all the changes you’re experiencing.
Let’s say you have a wonderful first trimester (or even if you have the worst!), and you’re bursting to share your amazing news. There were a lot of women I spoke to that just didn’t feel comfortable sharing any of it until they hit their 12 week mark. I’m sure I might feel the same way with my personal health history. It can be so hard to put yourself out there without knowing 100% this is really happening. One of my best friends who is already a mama to a very healthy 2 1/2 year old said she would only share her news with people she would be equally comfortable telling if she miscarried. I really appreciated her honestly and choice. I think it’s an amazing feeling to really know your people – to know who you can really trust with your precious news. It’s a way of self protecting and that can be the most important thing for the first three months of pregnancy.
On the flip side, Johanna from Fox Meets Bear put the news on her blog as soon as she found out she was pregnant at six weeks. ( see blog post here). I thought this was so courageous and strong. She allowed herself to get an unbelievable amount of support from her entire friend, family and blog connections right from the get go. This just made me think of the impact of positive energy on her first trimester and how it might have changed things for her.
Know that whatever decision you end up making, that it is ultimately the best decision for you. Fertility, pregnancy and mamahood are a time for turning inward and trusting your inner voice. Working with your partner to strengthen your bond and confidence is the best thing you can do. Find who ever you need to to lean on and share whatever news you’re comfortable sharing. Because at the end of the day, we’re all emotional beings. Support, hugs, a phone call, an email, a letter…they all go a really long way in bringing us back to balance.
Finding self love in a tough moment can be one of the hardest things to do, but hopefully with the support you find around you, you can help to remind yourself of the wildly strong lady you are.
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