In everything we do there are going to be pros, cons and obstacles. It’s just the way it is.

You can choose to look at things glass half full, or glass half empty. You can choose to look at things as a bump in the road, or as a mountain that’s damn near impossible to climb.

Living life on could we – should we – maybe – fuck it let’s do it. That’s sort of how I feel right now.

My best friend came over tonight and brought a bottle of wine as a celebration of moving and getting through these past few months. As we were giving Agatha a bath I admitted that this year has been a year of survival. I first admitted that here, when I talked about the Fourth Trimester. But I think I thought that was it. That I just had to survive the first three months and I would be good to go. But the thing is, I’ve been surviving since the day this wild rumpus came earth side May the sixteenth two thousand and fifteen. She’s a handful and she doesn’t sleep very well, but damn is she happy and smiley and full of l o v e. While we traveled these past two weeks I realized that it’s not that it’s easy or hard at just one point. It’s that it’s easy and it’s hard. At the same time. All the time.

Getting pregnant was easy and hard. When it finally happened it felt like it was the easiest thing we had ever done. Of course we made a baby, that’s what our bodies are supposed to do, right? It also took a million painstaking hours of changing what we were eating, thinking and doing. It took so much energy to heal and love and learn about myself and my body to make Agatha. It was so hard to stay positive, to find strength when it didn’t work. To love my body even when it wasn’t giving me the results I wanted.

Pregnancy was easy and hard. It was the most luscious beautiful feeling in the whole wide world when I felt round and full of a healthy and happy baby. But what about at the beginning? The spotting, the cramping, the nausea – it was so hard. And the end? So hard. But then finally when she came out…push, push,push…tiny human! Like my body was born to do it.

Being a mum has been the most naturally hard thing I think I’ve ever had to do. I’ve talked a lot about that here. But what about when you get out of that initial gateway. What about when you’re about to pass that 1 year mark? When life all of sudden starts to find a rhythm and you’re ready to sit down and take a breath. To put your feet up and crack the champagne.

We kind of did that, and then we got the breath knocked out of us. Opportunities arose – to move, to change jobs, to move countries. To leave family and friends, to start in a new place. To give us what we have been talking about wanting and craving, while at the same time making us think about what we would be leaving behind. The easy and the hard. The pros, the cons and the obstacles.

It’s all a conversation. Just like it was when we were picturing what life would be like having a tiny person in our life. It was so hard to imagine because it felt impossible to imagine.

When making decisions I like to make lists. I like to write out the pros, the cons and the obstacles. But I also like to go with my gut. One of my best friends recently reminded me to close my eyes and visualize what it would be like to live out the yes and the no. What does that feel like physically and mentally? Does one make you cringe? Did your brow furrow? Did it make you feel nauseous? Or were you immediately smiling thinking of the adventure? Did you get butterflies? Can you picture the small teeny tiny details like they’re right in front of you or is everything kind of blurry and overwhelming?

I will always remember this one day in the pouring rain. I said yes to something I intuitively knew (whether I mentally knew it or not still is to be determined) that I didn’t have the courage to follow through in physical action. I walked away from something big that day. And it has crept back up to greet me time and time again. I felt so angry for so long that I didn’t make the right decision, knowing that had I had the self love, the strength and the confidence I do today I would have made a different decision.

Intuition is a funny thing. Sometimes you know what you should do but you don’t. You say no out of fear, confusion, frustration or exhaustion. When you think back, you might feel regret, or disappointment or weirdly pride – knowing that despite making the ‘wrong’ decision, you made a decision. Because sometimes that’s the hardest part. Being in limbo is it’s own kind of exhaustion.

When everything is blurry. When you’re thinking of every possible outcome. When you’re considering every one else’s feelings and wants and desires it’s really hard to hear yourself. Slow down. Draw a bath. Have a shower. Let the water wash away the confusion. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Where do you see yourself?

Woods. Big trees. Water. Fresh food. Baking. Big kitchen. Sunrise. Early mornings. Slow days. Open spaces. Creating magic. Adventuring. Self love. Reading. Writing. Helping. Guiding. Exploring. Falling down. Getting lost. Feeling frustrated. Slowing down. Deep breaths. Fresh air. Chicken coop. Cooking. Babies at my feet. Record Player. Candles. Beer. Dinner date. Hot bath. Linen sheets. Rain storm.