A hot cup of tea. A cold body. A grey day. An adventure waiting. A sleeping baby. A questioning mind. Distance. Arguments. Solitude. A cozy cashmere turtleneck.

That’s what’s around me right now.

I’ve been thinking about how we react in situations. How we react and respond. When we’re frightened, or overwhelmed, when we’re genuinely scared to the bone. When we’re happy, or excited or intimidated. Do you want a baby? Does your partner want a baby? Do you have a baby but you’re struggling? Are you pregnant but not loving it? Do you feel like you need to love it?

I think sometimes people interrupt, comment on or start up conversations with us because they genuinely want to know something, or maybe they genuinely think they should want to want to know. I don’t know.

But how do you react to it all? Do you get angry? Or pissed off? Do you yell? Do you get quiet? I think it’s the most interesting thing because it ultimately I think your reaction is a reflection of how you actually feel.

When I stop and look at how I react to something, it’s always such a huge indication of how I’m really feeling deep down. I think it’s because it’s easier to put things on other people and their decisions than it is to take accountability for how we’re actually feeling sometimes. Doesn’t mean it’s right, but sometimes that’s just how it goes.

I’ve been trying to rebalance and quiet things around me lately with the hopes of making sense of more things. It isn’t easy, because simultaneously I’m helping someone to grow and form ideas and learn to walk and nourish themselves. Sometimes at the end of the day I have a hard time really recognizing what it was exactly that I did. Who exactly I am and where exactly I went.

When it’s just two grown up people it can feel like absolutely enough, like you don’t need another soul in the entire world to enter your bubble. Life is g o o d. But what if that other person is a tiny person. What if they can’t speak? Or what if they’re stuck growing inside of you and you can’t quite get a grasp on who they are or what they’ll need? That’s a whole different kind of a twosome.

It’s a lot to think about.

But I want to break it down simply (for not only myself but for you).

There is you. Right? Just you. Singular you. You who has existed for as old as you are (or if you believe in old souls, maybe you’ve existed for a really really long time).

Then you meet someone. And they enter your soul. And you fall in love. Or you just love them. Or like you them a lot. And then you do things together. You grow and learn, you have ups and downs. You fall and you get up. You talk about life, about the future, about what it all looks like to you. Maybe you decide to make a baby. Maybe you try for ages but you just can’t seem to do it. Maybe it happens on the first try. Is it right? Are you ready? Is it worth it? Are we together enough? Are we strong enough?

Let’s stop right here. Of course you are. You’re YOU. You’re strong, capable, magical you. The doubt and the questions are always going to be there. Tell them to be quiet.

The story obviously continues. We can imagine how it goes. But this post isn’t about what comes next. It isn’t about the second or third or fourth party in your little twosome. It’s about your twosome. It’s about how it all started.

How are you two doing? Are you connected? Are you talking? Are you laughing? Are you talking about life outside of what is happening today and r i g h t n o w? Are you getting nostalgic? Can you remember those teeny tiny small details of  your first adventures together?

Stop there.

Remember them. Close your eyes and remember the goodness that brought you together. Now spend some time nourishing that. Because when we’re talking about fertility and pregnancy and parenthood at the core of it all – it’s two people coming together to share a third person – however they come to be. It isn’t always linear, or clear and it definitely isn’t easy.

But if you lose the two of you without trying to gain back that love and momentum and courage and fear and trust and adventure then how can we keep going? Eventually, that twosome – that path – will start to curve and wain and twist and break into two very different ones. I’m not a relationship expert. I know people get divorced. I know soul mates don’t always exist. But something brought you together in the first place and I am firm believer in the universe ( in fact I recently just tied my third Brazilian Wish Bracelet on ) and the universe always has a reason. It isn’t always clear – but it does. So I’m of the belief that it’s important to find it. To remember it. To believe in it – if nothing else to help to encourage you that you don’t need to always walk alone, or fight, or be right, or feel bad about being wrong.

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5 WAYS TO RECONNECT AND REMEMBER

1. Listen to this. One of my favorites. Tonight is the night that you make me a woman.

2. Do something that gets you away from talking about babies, or making babies or wanting to make babies. If you can’t do it in person because it’s too hard not to – grab your favourite beverage or food and sit across from each other and use a pen and paper. Use that as your sole mode of communication for a chunk of time. You’ll soon realize that when you don’t have the option to just talk, you’ll be a lot more conscious of what you say to one another.

3. Get out of your normal space. If you always watch tv together, or you gravitate towards your dining room table ask your partner to hop in the bath and wash your hair as you chat. Or just grab a bottle of wine and go sit in an unused corner of your house or front / back lawn – we all have a room or a space we don’t use on a daily basis. It’s new enough to make you feel like you’re on a date in a whole new place without having to go very far.

4. Make each other feel special and important. It’s so easy to pass this by without a thought. “Of course they feel special, I do x/y/z on a daily basis”. Do something different. If they like doing something as simple as drinking tea, bring them a cup in bed. If they  are into rock climbing, book a session at the climbing gym. It doesn’t need to be anything wild but showing you have an interest in their interests is enough to show that you’re in it together. That you’re in it because you love them, exactly as they are. 

5. Take space. Take a breather. Take whatever time you need to let go of the anger, or frustration or annoyance or whatever it is that you’re feeling. It can sometimes feel like a mountain in the moment but in reality, it’s not. It’s an obstacle. It’s a small moment of not knowing where to direct your feelings and so you dump them on them. They are the ones who know you best, who will always support you and who ultimately, will probably take it on. Don’t let that happen (if you can). Sometimes (ok, most times) it’s inevitable because we’re just too f u l l on our own to deal with it before we talk about it with them. But try really really hard to think about how you’re really feeling before you speak. Try to have a place where you can let it go so that you can enter the conversation with a calm, clear head.

And remember. Actions pretty much always speak louder than words.