It’s interesting how things just all of a sudden come into perspective. Like you weren’t really seeing the whole picture up until now. And then all of a sudden you see something, read something, hear something, feel something and then bam! it just hits you.

I just finished reading Natalie Holbrook‘s “Hey Natalie Jean – Advice, Musings and Inspiration on Marriage, Motherhood and Style”. It was just what I needed (the best part? I didn’t even know I needed it). I missed reading her blog, hearing her voice in a way I guess…and then I remembered that she wrote a book. I was on my way to head up to our cottage in Georgian Bay for a week and I wanted something good to read. Something that would make me feel and think and just be present where I was. This was the book that did it. It isn’t that I agree with or love 100% of every word that’s written but I do love and admire her courage, wit and way she somehow stays incredibly positive within a world of struggling to get pregnant (both the first and now for a second time). I could probably share about 10 things that I loved about the book but I’ll keep it to a (long) simple quote and let you dive in if you’re interested.

“I really like being a mom. Should we go from broke here? I love being a mom. I love that feeling where it’s just the two of us, and I got this – I’m in charge, and the whole day is ours. I love what being a mom brings to me as a whole. I love the way a woman looks when she’s holding the hand of somebody small. She takes on this otherworldly, almost supernatural aura when she is about the business of caring for her people. A good mom is gravity, raw earth. She is Mother Nature herself…In the middle of sleepless nights, I feel heaven in my arms – heaven that could just as easily have been hell had I not had the chance to find out just how badly I wanted it.

I never thought the day would come, but it has, and I am going to write it in ink because for me this is a milestone: I am grateful for those two years I struggled to get pregnant. I am grateful for those seven years I struggled to find my purpose. I am grateful for every horrible moment of them. Today. Folding little baby clothes that will be smeared with hummus in a matter of hours. Sweeping up Cheerios. Hundreds of Cheerios that seem to scurry away under the couch to multiply and replenish the living room when I’m not looking….This is not a kingdom I’m embarrassed to rule over. I rule powerfully here. With grace and elegance and mercy.”

I’ve been thinking so much about having babies, what it means to have babies, how hard it is to take care of babies, how impossibly challenging it can be to create a baby. Because that’s what we do. We literally create babies out of thin air. To me, it will always be magic. Pure godly universal magic. And so, after I decided to stop feeding Agatha through the night, one glorious Monday morning my cycle returned. Bright red. Unexpectedly reminiscent of labour contractions. The whole shebang. It was glorious. I’ve been blessed with it twice now – in three months. That right there is baby making magic. It’s like having Agatha pressed the reset button on my body. That and my forever promise to myself to always try my best to take care of myself. To feed myself, nourish myself, love myself but above all things, to choose positivity as best I can. I stumbled upon this little gem at the very end of the book and I think that’s when I knew I was smiling again (from the inside all the way to the outside).

“I’ve always believed that every breath is a new chance to choose happiness. It’s been my rallying cry for most of my adult life. Happiness is a choice. It isn’t a place or a set of conditions. It is a fight that you take on and then take on again, every single day. You can’t let yourself forget to choose to be happy. I mean, I let myself forget all the time, but that’s not the point. The point is to remember the fight and get in it the second you can.”

There isn’t a perfect way to go about getting juicy baby toes into our lives. It will all happen when it’s supposed to. There isn’t a perfect way to find silence, or to create a self care routine when you just don’t have time. If anything I’ve realized it’s about trying to go slow and go small. Every morning now when I wake up I try to think of 5 things I’d love to do when she naps, or after she goes to bed. Those moments can feel very few and far between so I’ve tried to make them as small as I can so that I can allow myself to actually relish in the nourishment I’ve brought to myself at the end of the day. In the end, to really feel like the queen of my kingdom.

When I was up early with Agatha this morning making blueberry and banana pancakes I had this thought that I wish I had more babies. Like a lot more babies. Three? Four? Five? And that I wish they were running around and eating the pancakes, jumping in and out of the lake (on their own obviously, no mama help needed- ha! a girl can dream) and dancing to the record player. So how old are they? 7? 10? 14? Does a 14 year old even want to eat pancakes with their mom? Probably not (but I kind of really hope so). Anyways, it made me think – I don’t know if it’s the millions of babies that I sort of think I want, it’s the family – the tribe if you will, that I love the idea of. This collective of humans that are living and working together and enjoying these moments.

I wrote a post the other day on Instagram about Hygge. This dreamy word that I keep coming back to. I think if there was a concept that perfectly described me this would be it. When I reached out to my Danish girlfriend about it she wrote me the most perfect email to describe what it means to her (both in her life growing up and now as a mama of 2). She says that there’s a really important aspect of hygge which relates to effort, more specifically in taking the time to make something that extra bit special. When we have hygge, it’s a sense of being in the moment, with all worries and negativity “locked away” – just allowing yourself to be with the people you love and who make your heart feel full. It’s about sharing in the simple things in life and sharing them in the moment.

If you’ve been reading along with me for a while I think you can see why I love this so much. It just speaks to my SOUL.

HYGGE [ a deliciously perfect Danish concept ]
1. The art of building sanctuary and community, or inviting closeness and paying attention to what makes us feel open hearted and alive
2. To create well being, connection and warmth
3. A feeling of belonging to the moment and to each other
4. Celebrating the everyday