I got an email from my dear friend yesterday and she said something along these lines – “although you might think I’m this totally slow person from how I post, what I write, my visual persona if you will – I’m not. My head is constantly racing – it’s busy even when I’m physically busy. So that’s kind of like being doubly busy. Living slow is such a state of mind, I’ve come to realise. A choice on how to take in every minute and hour of the day, every situation and challenge.”

It reminded me of myself.

This isn’t easy. Being a mum. Wishing you were a mum – the whole thing.

This morning I took Aggie to our first library sing / read group thing here and it totally rocked me. You know those moments when you’re surrounded by people and should feel totally included and great but you actually just leave feeling awkward and lonely? It was that times a million. And this morning just didn’t start right – I don’t know if it’s a cold coming on, teething ( we always joke that it’s teething but if that were the case Aggie would probably have a million teeth by now ) or if it’s just the change of season that has us all feeling a little up in the air.

Either way – the day just felt like a lot. My natural thought always is to go out and explore – to find some place that’s new to us and adventure around. There’s this scene in one of my favorite movies Garden State, where Natalie Portman and Zach Braff are in her room hanging out and she says something that makes her feel totally awkward and weird. So her way of getting back her “groove” is to do some totally weird unique dance move / noise in a spot she’s never done it in before. I think it’s just the most simple way of reminding ourselves that we have the power to feel unique / special / loved / interesting in any moment. It’s not about the likes, the loves, the comments, the followers – it’s just you in a place doing your thing.

We’re on day 10 and I already amazed in seeing how different this round is going for me. I can’t really describe it but it just feels to be so much more about the cooking delicious things and enjoying the food or the experience making it (as much as I’ve made some great recipes, I’ve also made some total flops). It’s about actually napping when I’m tired, about watching movies when I feel like it, changing plans to go to yoga or not go to yoga depending on how I’m feeling in that one particular moment. I started this to help myself slow down and my body to heal a little bit but I also did this to empower other people who are interested in doing the same thing. Sometimes it’s easier to do things together when there is definite start and end date – but what I always want to emphasize is that you’ve got the ability to make it what you want.

I had an amazing conversation yesterday with someone close to me about expectations and guilt. It’s there for most of us and I’ve written a lot about it so I’ll just say it simply here- give yourself permission to replenish. Sometimes the days that go “wrong” feel like that because we’re just empty ( and sometimes something happens and the day just goes downhill but other times it’s because we push ourselves ). Enough with the pushing. With the forcing. With the need to. What do you want to do? What will actually fill you up? Write it down, think about it, realize it and then put it into practice. And maybe pour yourself a glass of red wine and watch Garden State.

Last night was the first night I could remember feeling like I finally had my rhythm this year. Mama-ing, freelance working, cooking, nature walking, music listening, dancing, story reading, dish washing, incense lighting, breathing, slowing down, partner hugging – together. It just collided into this epic moment before bed where I thought – oh, this is what it feels like to be in one place, with your people, with time to accomplish what you want, with time to slow down, with deep breaths, with a full belly and heart all – at – the – same – time. 

It felt so fucking awesome. So yes, the good comes with the bad. The highs and the lows. It’s all jumbled up there together.