I’ve talked about what music means to me before. It has a way of transporting me to these places in my life. To these very specific moments. When I close my eyes I can distinctly remember exactly where I was.

The person I was dating in university had the most wonderful sense of self. And had a way of creating spaces that just made you feel at home. Every night I would walk over to his place and his room would be lit up with tealights and he’d be playing this album. It was the perfect way to feel like I was nestled in a cocoon of love and support because outside those four walls, I felt so incredibly raw.

My first year of university – a year that for a lot of people is this incredible busting-at-the-seams, fun filled adventure- for me, just wasn’t. Someone slipped a drug in my drink one night those first few weeks and all I remember is waking up in the hospital with little to no clothing and belongings. I was displaced. I was twist turned upside down.

I went to university to play soccer, to learn languages and to write. To embrace history. To drink beer. To spend time with friends, to meet new people and to grow. I grew alright. I dropped out of classes, I lost friends and I lost my sense of me. I felt more vulnerable than I ever have before.

But then one day I met someone – a girl who would forever change my life. A girl who took me under her wing and who helped me come out of my shell. A girl who selflessly drew my self portrait for my art portfolio to help get me accepted to the local art college – a place where I grew again, where I re-gained my confidence and where I learned to really love my whole self.

My love of comfort, of creation, of home, of travel and of adventure. All of it.

In all the places I’ve lived, I’ve realized that having one person is all it takes. One person to inspire, to motivate, to take you out for a drink, a cup of tea or a meal and to show you what else is out there. We all have the tendency to put weight on things and make them feel like they need to be around forever. Or that they need to serve a specific purpose. I like to believe that things (and people) come and go. For various reasons. Some amazing. Some hurtful. Some exciting. Some heart breaking. We grow stronger and sturdier. We gain clarity and wisdom. We learn languages of love we never new existed. We fall apart and crash but they all have a place.

It’s so easy to feel stuck and in a rut. To feel displaced. To lose your sense of self. To not fully understand your body and what’s really going on. And the thing is, the longer we ignore said problem, the more it seems to manifest itself. To stick and stay and fester and grow. It’s like it’s there to force you to see what’s really happening. To force you to address the fact that maybe you need a little extra help because maybe making a baby is a little harder than it seems. Because being pregnant sometimes isn’t all about the glow and that in fact, having a baby isn’t 100% intuition for some of us. It forces us to see how vulnerable we all are.

And that’s just fine. Vulnerable means heart opening. Vulnerable means taking leaps of faith. It means letting down walls and opening doors.

A few days ago A and I were having a rough afternoon, I felt like I tried everything I possibly could to help her but she just wouldn’t stop crying. I looked down at my feet and I threw on my shoes. I grabbed her coat and we walked downstairs. My neighbours son saw Agatha in tears and came up to see if she was alright. In two seconds, she was smiling and chatting her face off with this little guy. It blew my mind. And made my heart explode all at the same time. His mama came up and asked if I was okay and I just let it go. I let the wall down, I let my heart open and I let the tears fall. It could have easily been embarrassing but I wasn’t embarrassed because it was what was happening in that moment. I was exhausted and spent so I allowed myself to let go of everything I have been trying so hard to hold in. And she saw it and just gave me the best squeeze. It was exactly the magic we both needed in that moment.

When I moved to Berlin I knew that I wanted to get my second tattoo. I distinctly remember listening to this song as I was sitting in a park doodling words. I had just spent a year living in France and had learned to speak French from another one of my ‘one people’. A girl I will forever remember for opening me up to a world of hippie-dom I could never have found myself and for encouraging me to really love life. And so I decided to get it written on my foot of all places because my feet are what lead me to where I’m going.

My feet are the things tucked under my body when I’m sitting cross legged listening to music and writing. They are the things that encourage me to go one step at a time. To take adventures. To take chances. They remind me to not wear socks ( or even shoes sometimes ) and to feel the ground beneath my feet. They prefer to be one foot up and one foot down when I’m driving and they definitely like to be out of the covers when the sky is dark. Sometimes when my head feels cloudy and full I look down at my feet with the hopes that they know where I need to go. They haven’t disappointed me yet.

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eating / GHEE! Oh guys, if you haven’t tried this stuff, it’s heaven. I haven’t had the time to make my own yet but I picked some up at the farmers market the other night and I can’t stop slathering it on everything.

drinking / Red clover + nettle tea

choosing / To go to bed so early and let go of the guilt

mastering / How to build a fire and keep it lit and roaring (at least for a couple of hours )

reminding / Myself to loosen my jaw and take deep breaths throughout the day

listening to / Crystal Fighters 

finishing / Cleaning house. I took my own advice and opened all the windows and lit all the incense this past weekend but I still have a few random piles to go through

reading / The Importance of Being Little by Erika Christakis

exploring / Herbalism for womens health and I’m so excited to share what I’ve been learning

wearing / High tops + woolies forever and ever

cooking / I’ve been roasting veggies weekly and making a big soup for A and I to eat for lunch each week

working / On plans for my Spring Mama dinner here in Minneapolis!

wishing / The warm weather would stay or that Winter would come back

craving / An amazing neck and shoulder massage – ever since I stopped nursing A a few weeks ago I’ve been rocking her to sleep during the day and my body is feeling it

feeling / Proud of myself for being vulnerable – for creating this space and for what’s to come.