I just closed all the windows ( it’s still -2 C here ) but had them open to bring some fresh air into our home. Agatha was throwing up most of last night and as not fun as it is to be thrown up on, there is something magic about being up in the middle of the night with your kid just sitting there working through what’s right in front of you. Jeff was running up and down the stairs throwing in laundry and then when we finally got all cleaned up and back in bed, we had the next episode and couldn’t make it to the bathroom so I forfeited my t-shirt and just let her give it all over my shoulder and down my back.

Lucky me.

Except I really did feel lucky. Genuinely lucky to be able to sit on the bathroom floor, shirtless, holding my naked toddler and watching my husband take care of all of us and get ready for the next wave. There has been a shift in our house the past 3 weeks into the world of independence, I can do it all by myself, no no no no no and I want to sit like a big girl. A transition that was inevitable with our spirited young thing but that sort of hit us like a ton of bricks. We’ve been staying up late talking about the things that happened that day and how we both handled them. Because we’re different. We’re very different – but ultimately we want to show her love and compassion and tenderness while everything else is swirling around. We want to hold boundaries and be clear about what we do as a family and what we can let slide. And at the very end of it all, we want to come together as a unit above and beyond anything else. We can always choose to address any situation differently but we want to be respectful of where the other person is coming from and what they think is best. We want to feel heard and loved and supported. Especially now when an almost 3 year old has the ability to smash your heart to the ground in a single moment.

So – in the middle of last night, as I was holding her on the bathroom floor, a salt lamp emitting that red glow from the kitchen, I thought about what’s to come. The middle of the night wake ups, the swollen boobs, the diaper changes, that fresh milky smell, the curiosity of wondering who she is. I remember so well the fog that I was in with Agatha – mostly because I didn’t honour sleep the way I needed to. I found myself with severe postpartum anxiety six months into her life and it is something that still lingers in my heart. I often wonder if it’s just what happens to some of us, or if there are particular triggers. Without wanting advice or to dive into it too deep, I do want to recognize that just saying that’s what my reality was for her first year of life feels good. Not shameful, not embarrassing, not unusual. After being through it once, you walk out with a sense of wisdom that works for you – a recognition of what you experienced not only independently but with your partner. Kind of like sitting in the trenches together.

One of my best friends wrote me an email a while back and in it, she reminded me that when Jeff and I walked into parenting we couldn’t have known what was to come, or what kind of parents we were going to be, really. We had to walk through it together. And boy did we walk. Sometimes we ran, we fell a lot, but for the most part we tried to hold hands and keep stride. Through parenting we’ve become really good at going through hard things together. As best friends, as partners, as intimate beings, as roommates and as two people who genuinely love each other so much. Watching him the other night at a cooking class we went to, I became so much more aware of the charming subtlety of his personality. The way he actually is slow and methodical in a way I never have been. Slowness is something I’ve had to work so hard on, something I have to remind myself to embrace and channel most days. It’s a way of being I respect and admire more than anything else. I wonder if that’s how we ended up together. My wild, impulsive and decisive nature and his cautious and thoughtful way of thinking meld together into this mixture of parenting that (I think) has helped not only Agatha, but each of us to grow in the best way possible.

As we prepare to enter this next adventure together, I know we’re all feeling it. Her movements within me are getting so big and real. A foot here, a knee there. The braxton hicks coming more and more frequently preparing my body for the labour surges that will bring her earth side. The basket of tiny diapers sitting beside me, the clothes all washed and folded. The understanding that there will be another member of our family here soon enough and although we don’t know why she is the one to join us, we’re so so so excited to find out.

---

eating / these banana oat chocolate chip muffins (except I added tiny sliced apples)

drinking / still drinking Nettle Tea + Red Raspberry Tea steeped overnight in a huge mason jar

choosing / to talk about it all – the good, the bad, the ugly most nights with Jeff instead of holding it inside

learning / all about chickens and local Farm CSA’s here – they offer cheese, bread and egg ones in addition to just veggies and I couldn’t be more excited for a Summer without pregnancy nausea and immigration travel

reminding / myself that other peoples negativity isn’t mine to carry or deal with – everyone is responsible for how they feel and ultimately they have the power to change what’s happening in their life if they want to

listening to / this song on repeat 

finishing / all my textile design work before Aggie goes on ‘Spring Break’ after Easter so we can embrace our last full week together before baby sister arrives

reading / The Dirty Life 

exploring / what it feels like to ground back into our home and not venture that far before she arrives

wearing / a new bra that fits my new baby ready boobs so much better (hahaha)

cooking / a stew this afternoon! I’ve been craving red meat so much through this pregnancy and I’m diving in tonight as a recommendation by my favourite Naturopath – Emma The Naturopath 

working / through the way I am going to guide my Seasonal Mama Dinner this coming weekend, I can hardly wait

wishing / everyone the most amazing Spring – it’s wild to me how much the fresh air and sunshine change our bodies and minds

craving / big forests walks

feeling / so lucky to have a partner that embraces me sleeping with a mountain of pillows, ear plugs and an eye mask at least for part of the night these days