We’ve been talking a lot about what it means to be kind in our house lately and it’s got me thinking. We encourage kindness and ‘being kind’ to Agatha almost on a daily basis, if not more than once. But what about within our grown up world? What does being kind look like? What do healthy boundaries look like and what does it look like to show respect, love and consideration for others feelings?

I often think about the way I write – I will admit, I am sometimes an annoyingly positive writer, both here on the blog but also in my daily life. I use a lot of exclamation points, I try to always hit each point that was shared with me via email or text message and I usually re-read what I wrote once to ensure it sounds the way I would say it.  Because when I speak, I try my very best to look at you, to make eye contact, to show you that I’m listening and that I care. Sometimes it’s hard, or with some people it’s hard but honestly, I genuinely love listening to people and if I’m engaged in a conversation with you, it’s usually because I want to be there.

I am part extrovert and part introvert. There is a huge part of me that loves bumping into people, that loves a good party and phone call, but I also love being alone. I love blasting music and road tripping by myself, walking alone in a forest and having a bath with a lot of candles and the door closed. But! That doesn’t meant that I don’t sometimes love inviting Jeff in to sit beside me to share about his day, or asking Aggie to come and hang out by the side of the tub and splash around. What I mean is, if I reached out and we’re talking, I want to be there. And I hope that comes across to you.

I am all about healthy boundaries and if I’m being honest I would say that I only really started to understand what those look like this past year. I am all about taking space when needed – creating a bubble to keep myself healthy and vibrant. The brutal fact can be that some people drain us and other people fill us up ( the same goes for spaces ). I advocate for not writing back sometimes – for allowing that space to be felt by the recipient not as a sign that I don’t care but that maybe in that moment my self care needs to be a priority. And saying that should be okay, for me and for you. I would say that right now, freshly having a baby is one of those times. I would also say that that last month of pregnancy was one of those times. I genuinely felt such an urge to turn inward and just be with my thoughts, body and family.

I’ve written about it before but I will always come back to the torn out page my mum handed to me that reads “if someone throws you a ball, you don’t have to catch it”. I follow that with my heart these days. I have come to realize that I can’t be that go to person for everyone, but I do know now that there are a handful of people I feel lucky enough to call my circle. People I can be vulnerable with and maybe most importantly people that make me feel safe. It’s taken me almost 20 years to figure out who those people are. For a long time I felt like everyone needed to be in that space because either they would feel left out if they weren’t, or I would feel so guilty about them not being in it that I would exhaust and get myself sick just playing it over and over again in my head.

Part of being kind is being honest with yourself, and allowing yourself to be okay with how you feel. Just because someone is close to you or wants to be close to you, doesn’t mean you need to share intimate details about your life in order to make them feel that way. We all deserve to respect the boundaries that we feel are important to us.

A close friend of mine asked me what healthy boundaries looked like to me – I’m not sure I have the best answer because I couldn’t really explain it clearly to her. I think what still feels unclear to me is the fact that I can so easily feel responsible for how others feel and after really thinking about that, I came to realize that it’s not my job. I am responsible for how I treat other people and for the words that come out of my mouth –  that, I know I can control. In those ways, I can choose to be kind. How they are interpreted or felt by the recipient isn’t mine to carry. So, I think healthy boundaries are all about honouring your space, your body, your voice and your heart – making sure you feel safe in a space, with a person and in your own life.

When we speak to Aggie about being kind these days – it isn’t always about not hitting someone, or eating the food that’s in front of us because we cooked it. It isn’t always about pleases and thank yous, it’s also ( and maybe mostly ) about asking how her heart is. And making sure it feels loved and supported and held. It’s making sure that she’s able to ask for space if and when she needs it. It’s about allowing her to see us feel tender and show love to one another. It’s about putting phones down, reading more books, clearing space for adventure, allowing (all) of us to take a deep breath together.

A few nights ago after we gave Birdie a bath, she threw up an incredible amount of milk. I was overwhelmed. I then put Aggie in the bath as I was cleaning up. When she decided she was done she climbed out all by herself  and I immediately thought about what would have happened if she had slipped and fallen. I would then have an injured toddler and a barf covered infant. Two bonuses on my first real day flying solo. But she was fine. And I was fine. And Birdie was fine. I managed to get everyone clean and in fresh clothes and then we all crawled into my bed. I told Aggie I was going to put on some calm music and that we could cuddle in bed and tell imaginary stories. I do this when I don’t really have the energy to read a real book. It usually consists of Aggie giving me a title (“Birdie and mama sleep” or “Aggie and the crocodile”) and me making up an adventure tale that matches. As I imagine these stories, I weave in snippets of kindness and remind myself that I can also choose to be kind to me. To show myself the love, grace and understanding that I would show my people.

To end off this incredibly long ramble that’s clearly part deeply felt in my heart and part because of my postpartum hormones, I want to say that I still feel amazed that we can find ourselves too busy to care to genuinely interact with people but completely able to sit at a table with someone we care about and scroll through our phone. This frustration comes from seeing this a few times before having Birdie when Jeff and I were out together. I’ve even felt it about myself when I have my phone out snapping pictures of Aggie. This has since led me to dig out my film camera and get it fixed so I can show her what taking pictures is all about. The interaction between a human and their camera, the film and the person developing it. It’s a relationship in it’s own way. It’s made me circle back to being kind and going slow. Showing that genuine love and kindness towards ourselves and others means getting in there – it means finding the time and space to connect.

So, I say, let’s disconnect from what’s in between us and get back to connecting, as long as it feels good and healthy. Let’s also be okay with the fact that some relationships are just what they are – surface. That’s just fine. Let’s love on the relationships that fill us up and that we feel safe in. Let’s embrace the open windows and sun setting wonder that Spring brings.

And for me right now? I’m going to embrace the tiny milk smelling nugget that’s nuzzled on my chest as I write this.