I read a quote the other night that read “Anxiety is aliveness.” And as I’m sitting here with the evening sun pouring in my window and the quietness that only sleeping babies can bring I really feel it. Like all in, whole body kind of feel it.

The whole body cellular level aliveness has come back and as much as I usually name it anxiety this time I’m trying something different (only after two solid weeks of getting to know it really intimately again).

You see there are shadows in all of us. Things we carry, things we’ve picked up, things that are just stuck deep down inside of us. And for the most part I’ve always known they were there, I’ve always been able to say hello and even recognize them to a certain point. In the past 24 hours I’ve decided to really try and acknowledge them, to sit with them, to allow them to just be inside of me without trying to name them good or bad. That is truly very hard for me. I like to identify feelings, and name them. I like to be able to clearly state what is going on so that it feels easier for me to fix or heal it depending on what it is.

A wise friend opened me up to the idea that anxiety (on the level I am experiencing it) is a deeper awareness of feelings. Of sensitivity and of emotion. It’s wholeheartedly a way for our bodies to let us know what’s up. How amazing is that? It’s like a built in alarm that goes off when we’ve let something sit for too long, when there is some darkness inside that needs to be let out.

For me it usually shows up as the inability to breathe properly and depending on what’s going on, it can trigger panic attacks. Hyperventilating, dizziness and general full body shaking. It’s really really scary. I will never forget the first time I got one, I was 16.

In recognizing that there is nothing actually wrong with me, I can instead, open myself up to the fact that this aliveness in my body is a heightened emotional state that I can work with instead of allow to take me over. It’s a really new way of thinking and one that is only 24 hours fresh. I’m still not quite sure what it’s going to look like or feel like in another 24 hours.

I wanted to share this here because although it’s extremely vulnerable, my inner aliveness comes from a good place. A place of being overly concerned about others, to a point of anxiety, on a daily basis. Caring so much that my entire body is feeling the need to let me know that it’s okay for me to care less, that it’s okay for me to care about me more, that it’s okay for me to be out of touch and still care about someone. I have often felt the need to make sure that everyone is doing okay and like I am the person that can heal them all.
That’s just not possible ( as much as old me would disagree ). I forever in my heart want to heal and care for everyone. Everyones tenderness is my tenderness.

But this aliveness in me has woken me up to the fact that in being healthy and good to me, I truly need to allow there to be space around me. Space to breathe and live and exist without always being in touch or in tune with so many different people.

As we grow older I wonder if it’s idea that we are letting go of the younger parts of ourselves, so often a part of a larger group of friends, that struggles with this newfound sense of independence and self. Or maybe it happens when you find a partner, or make a baby, or just make room to make a baby, that this magic shift happens inside. It’s like there is this new found white light surrounding your body, maybe even emitting from your womb?, that gives you the space to live freely in the light with your bits of darkness inside – not good or bad, just there, all together and very much alive.

So what does it look like to live like this? I’m not quite sure yet but I will definitely keep you posted.

I am worthy.

I am worthy.

I am worthy.

Of connection. Of celebration. Of self love. Of movement. Of fresh air. Of deep juicy breaths. Of manifesting and shifting and asking.

I am worthy of the life I am living.

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