Where to even begin. It’s been ages since I sat down to write. Too long considering this is my favourite form of therapy.

The other day I started to write down all of the things that were in my head, random order, whatever came to mind. At the very end of the day after we put the girls to bed I sat down with Jeff and I read it off to him. By the end of the evening I was in tears, large crocodile tears. It occurred to me that there is always something we are keeping inside, always something we are trying to hold strong for, to protect and as a mother, to nurture. It isn’t always clear and I think it’s easy to not even be conscious of it.

Have any of you watched the tv show Master of None? In the second season there is this incredible pajama dance party ( I may have written about it here before but I can’t remember). Dev and Francesca are stuck at Dev’s apartment because of a wild New York City snow storm. They both decide they can’t sleep and she suggests a pajama dance party. It’s one of those moments where you see them dancing, you feel the music and the energy and you realize there is so much going on beneath the surface. So much being carried, so much being felt, so much being dreamt about it’s almost explosive.

Some of you may know that we’re moving house. This will officially be the 10th place Jeff and I have lived in the 11 years we’ve known one another. And it’s kind of wild but it’s very much a manifested dream come true (minus the claw foot bath tub that I’ll put in one day). Other than going through the (I think) very normal feelings of upheaval that moving and transition bring to most of us, it is also bringing this incredible sense of rush to my being. I wrote a few months back about the call for slow. Well, I feel anything but slow these days. I am always rushing to the next thing. Looking to my to do list to check something off so I can feel accomplished. It feels like all of the things I usually talk about and write about trying to not do, I’m doing. And I’m not saying that in a judgmental sense, but more of an all over full body realization that the slowness I both cherish and relish is not a part of my body at the moment.

The one moment I have been able to find it is after the girls go to bed. They are both usually down by 6:30pm. At that point either Jeff and I will have dinner or at the very least a catch up. Quickly after that though I’ve got a cup of tea or Natural Calm and I’m in bed, curled up reading. I started with Beatrix Potter: A Life in Nature but Agatha has hidden it somewhere (I’m sure there is meaning there) so I am now onto The Shepard’s Life by James Rebanks which funnily enough is about a Shepard in Northern England on some of the very land that Beatrix Potter lived in and based her books on. The irony has not been lost on me. Lose something important and it will make sure it finds its way back to you in one form or another. This visual, of being cozy in bed, with windows in front of me, probably one open cracked to let some fresh air in, a candle burning is pretty much perfect to me. I find it so incredibly therapeutic. I envision myself as an old lady doing the exact same thing. Embracing early evenings and reading in bed as the most lavish and rejuvenating activity. In this book the author talks about how there are some of us that crave to roam and travel, to explore and move and how some of us choose to embrace rootedness. To sink into the spot that makes us feel the most whole – to love on whatever lifestyle has been taught to us, or that we’ve become curious about. In this case, the author choosing to stay and honour his family history in Northern England as sheep farmers.

Personally in the area I grew up in, with the people I grew up with, we were fortunate enough to have the ability to travel. We were also for the most part very curious about living and exploring different parts of the world. I’ll never forget when we first chose to move to Minnesota, there was a part of me that felt like it wasn’t big enough (not in a physical sense but more in a mental sense). I quickly let that go when I realized how incredibly calm and rooted I felt here. So many things that I had been craving all of a sudden rushed into my body, my family and our home and I just felt good. Like really solidly two feet on the ground good. I often diminish that. Sometimes to make others feel better, sometimes because I just feel like it’s too good to be true, like I don’t deserve it myself, or that we as a family haven’t worked so damn hard for it.

My mum connects so beautifully with older women, kind of like her own kind of motherly mentors. I will always remember them visiting, having tea together, or when one was very sick with cancer my mum bringing beautiful trays of food over to her doorstep complete with a teapot covered in a tea cozy. Just the most beautifully traditional touches that she and these women value. Maybe that’s why I love old British names so much, or historical novels and romantic tales of people living simply while totally honouring the things that feel important to them. Her most recent blooming friendship is one for the books – this woman truly sounds like the most wild eccentric and fierce women. On her 80th birthday she wrote a list titled “On Being 80”. Here are my top 15 picks from her list of 80.

1. Keeping everyone on their toes
2. Changing travel plans at the last minute and REALLY keeping everyone on their toes
3. Swimming like Esther Williams
4. Not having to go to school anymore
5. Book club
6. Sleeping with the window open no matter how hot or cold it is
7. A daily walk
8. Being a sister
9. Being a mother – over and over again!
10. Being game for just about any activity
11. Working at my desk
12. Waking up my friends and children by calling at dawn and singing Happy Birthday into the phone
13. Sharing a birthday with Claude Monet
14. Drinking beer from bottle in Punta Canta
15. Prunes for breakfast and homemade yogurt

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It may not seem like much to some but writing down your feelings, or the things that make you smile can really amount to something, no matter how small. Especially when shared. I think when someone else gets a glimpse into your heart, your head and your soul this portal opens. It’s like this awesome awakening reminding us all that we’re so connected. That we’re so much more similar than any bullshit comparison we can so easily feel these days.

To leave this post I’ll share some of my own list with the hopes that if you’re feeling any of it too, you know you’re being heard. Feel free to share yours in the comments below or personally through an email. I think it’s time for my next 21 day Lovefest so stay tuned for that in February.

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1. I feel tired.
2. I feel exhausted.
3. I feel in charge ( in a heavy way )
4. I feel in charge ( in an exciting way)
5. I feel scared about moving
6. I feel like a lot of people need me but I don’t have the energy I wish I did to give back to them what they need
7. I want to walk outside every day
8. Trust that the universe supports me
9. Don’t speak unkind words
10. Always circle back if something doesn’t sit right, I can feel it and I have the power to change it
11. Embrace the athlete within
12. Speak your truth
13. When I feel overstimulated, count to 10 ( as many times as you need to)
14. Take my iron and B12
15. Put an outfit out at night so I feel put together the next day
16. More burning candles, incense, sage, spraying rose water and window opening to keep our space feeling calm and healthy