I have this board on Pinterest that’s titled “Let’s Run Away”. I remember when I created it and I remember why I created it.

I had this visual of some place different. With trees. And fresh air. And wide open spaces. With wood chopped and organized on the side of the house. With a space that feels so good to write in and the best porch in the world for enjoying a hot cup of tea. I didn’t know where it was or if it would ever be some place I’d live in or maybe just visit.

At one point in my life I spent a lot of time thinking about leaving. Of escaping what I was feeling inside. Of wanting to be somewhere different and explore someplace new.

When I’ve lived in Toronto and felt uncomfortable I would dream about where I would live next and eventually would book the ticket and go. When I lived somewhere else and felt the same familiar discomfort I would book a flight back to Toronto hoping that some where up in the air, the feeling inside would dissipate to a small enough particle that I couldn’t feel it anymore.

Last night lying in bed Jeff and I talked about how much we’ve changed and grown since we met one another.

Almost like splitting wood with an axe. You are this wildly whole piece of something, or at least you feel that way I think. And then as time goes on you keep splitting open. As you talk, explore, dig in, stay grounded and find support, you tear away at the tiny slivers that don’t serve you.

The pieces of you that were formed without you really even knowing. The words you used to use to describe yourself that don’t exactly fit.

You slowly, and gently replace them with ones that do. You figure out the things that do feel good to you. You allow room for more. You open yourself up to what can happen instead of feeling like you need to shy away from what is happening.

You allow those other parts of you to separate without anger, without resentment but instead with some frustration (because letting go is hard), a whole lot of forgiveness and a gentle hug towards yourself that you’re doing it. You’re helping yourself to land somewhere soft. Somewhere, whether or not you know it, that’s exactly where you need to be.

It’s been about a week since we moved into our new house. And about five of the seven mornings that I’ve looked out that insanely incredible window in our sunken living room, I’ve seen anywhere from three to five deer cross our property. There is a little farm behind us that they clearly know well. As they move through the farm land and shift towards the large nature preserve down the street from us, they cross over our grass and through our trees. In the past seven days I’ve become much more comfortable. So much so that Sunday morning I walked outside and greeted them at the edge of our property. I walked slowly, methodically and very gently in the now rock hard icy snow. I stood silently watching them while they watched me. Checking each other out, tilting their heads to one side, ears perked up, deciding what feels comfortable. After about five minutes of looking at one another, I slowly walked back inside to give them their space and they in turn, slowly returned to their own daily rhythm.

After doing a bit of reading about deer, I found this – “By affinity with this animal, you have the power to deal with challenges with grace. You master the art of being both determined and gentle in your approach.”

I’ve written it (many) times before but I’ll write it again. I am not a slow person. Moving slowly and gently doesn’t always come naturally to me – it’s something I have to consciously think about. As we were lying in bed we talked about what’s shifted these past few years and I immediately thought about those deer. How gentle and slowly they walk, how methodically they place their hooves, how aware they are of their bodies in space.

It’s amazing to me that almost instantly once we entered the house for real this calm – you’re going to be fine – no, you’re going to be amazing here – energy came funneling through, almost as if it had been stuck inside for way too long and landed splat in the middle of my heart.

My sister has been doing her yoga teacher training for the past 9 months and recently she connected me to the idea of Shakti. To put it simply, Sun energy is masculine and holds the qualities of Shiva – vibrations of action, initiation and power. Shakti, our moon energy contains more of our innate feminine softness, emotion and intuition. The energies are singular – we all have both within us no matter if we identify with male or female. I have been wanting to sink into my moon energy for a long time and have been feeling so curious how I can invite that more into my daily life.

I love the timing of this so much because I feel a small shift towards that slowness that I so often crave finally flowing into my every day movements.

From my own personal experience in fertility, pregnancy and now motherhood,  I know we can shed what isn’t serving or supporting us and move through it to the other side. Not always easily, and not always with grace but the invitation is there. By our last few months in the apartment I was feeling this irritability and anger inside, something I don’t identify with comfortably. It took a lot of conscious practice to not let that seep into many moments with my family. Recognizing the shadows inside is a part of it. Comfortable with discomfort.

As we embrace the darkness this New Moon, I want to release all that.  And at the same time, looking at it from a point of abundance, I want to embrace what I want to call in. For one, the subtleness and gentle ways of those deer I see every morning. The allowance for discomfort to be (vaguely) comfortable. Being more welcoming of help, asking for help and appreciating help. And lastly, or maybe most importantly to me right now, channeling more moon energy in our home.

Some basic qualities of Moon (feminine) Energy:

• flowing energy within
• loving energy
• sees the good in all things and accepts what is without needing to act
• relying on instincts, intuition and perception

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“Make peace with the male energy within you. Don’t be afraid to be resolute, principled, and take noble action. Make peace with the feminine energy within you. Don’t be afraid to receive, adapt, trust, rest and meditate.”

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