We lost the little bit of childcare we did have. We had a whirlwind work trip that amounted in two travel days with no sleep. We’ve had visitors. We’ve had diaper rashes and yeast infections, elections and emotional hangovers. I’ve cried seeing Agatha in so much pain. And watched others crumble with what feels like defeat. And I know that isn’t even the start of it.

It’s 6am and I’ve tried to write this so many times. I don’t know if it’s the fact that the world is getting dark so early (does 4:30pm feel like 9pm to anyone else?) There is so much swirling around in my head. So many things I want to do, but haven’t been able to find the time to do. And I’m the first one to say that if there is something you want to do, find a way to do it.

Well, guess what? When you move to a new city with no family or real friends, you don’t really have all the tools in your toolbox to implement a solid routine or real foundation for yourself. So I finally crashed and started sourcing someone to help me. A few hours two days a week. Nothing wildly massive, but enough time where I know I can sit down and solidly work on work. Or work on me. Or write. Or maybe even just breathe.

I’ve been working on re-creating my mama and baby gatherings here in Minneapolis and have a new Winter Seasonal mama dinner forming itself in my head. And then there’s my work. And cleaning the house. And my therapy that is cooking and baking (although I’m not very good at that these days).

Yesterday I took Agatha to the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum. It might sound like a far off boring place but it’s so magical at 9am on a Thursday. Not a soul to see. A 5 kilometer walk through pine forests and crab apple orchards, through Japanese inspired gardens and wildlife sanctuaries. That’s where we found these little houses. Perfectly placed across from one another to teach kids about the importance of trees in regards to a cooling/heating effect when building a house.

 

So here I am. The early morning. My favourite time in the entire day. It got lost for a little bit there. I would inevitably get up and grab Aggie and bring her into bed with us, and lately it’s been e a r l y. Like 4:45 early. Both of us being so tired and kind of frustrated/confused/angry, we would get out of bed, turn some lights on (because we’re back to pitch black dark mornings – at least at that hour), rush to make Aggie breakfast because she seemed so hungry, read books while we waited for the oatmeal to cook and then all sit down feeling (a lot) defeated as the sun finally starts to rise at 7am.

Individually, they would each feel like the longest morning. And too full. And too hectic.

All good slow things that I love about the morning quickly were disappearing, so we decided to implement alternating mornings. Every other morning we get the chance to have some time to ourselves to relish in the morning. Jeff is not a morning person – so he is pretty much always cozy in our bed until it’s time for him to get ready for work. This week I did a 6am yoga class. I’ve breathed. And now I’m sitting here  listening to a totally new playlist of music, editing pictures and writing. There is something to say for reclaiming this safe haven for myself. To shut the door and release myself from all home related responsibilities for an hour or two in the mornings. To breathe in that hot cup of tea and slowly watch the cold lift off the ground as the sun starts to rise in that dark blue sky.

An angel in my life recently let me in on a little secret about someone she used to work for. This mama used to book herself into a hotel room once a month. No household responsibilities. Just her and her creative self. I think what I’m coming to realize is that it’s not only the mental and the physical calm as much as it is the creative spark. That little fire in us slowly dims as we become more full, more stressed, more rushed. It can feel impossible to look inside and help things really come to fruition when we just don’t have the physical time and space to let it happen at its own pace. It’s hard to know if it’s time or sometimes I think it’s fear. Fear that maybe we don’t have that spark anymore? Or that our idea isn’t worth a second thought. Stop right there and read the below. We’ve all got Big Magic in us.

COURAGE: And you have treasures hidden within you – extraordinary treasures – and so do I, and so does every around us. And bringing those treasures to light takes work and faith and focus and courage and hours of devotion, and the clock is ticking, and the world is spinning, and we simply do not have time anymore to think so small.

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eating / home made babaganoush and lots of veggie filled quesadillas

drinking / hot Nettle tea to boost my iron levels

choosing / to release control

mastering / baking the perfect crust for Friday night pizza night

feeling / that crispy wind + sun burnt face that you only get in the Fall/Winter

reminding / myself that I am not only allowed to, but I need to get some help sometimes

celebrating / getting my cycle every 2 months since May

listening to / The Shoe + Gregory Alan Isakov

finishing / a lot of little things on my To Do list

reading / Balanced + Barefoot – it isn’t necessarily the best written book but it’s got some great thoughts

exploring / what we can do that’s walking distance away

wearing / high top green vans with wool socks and big cozy sweaters

cooking / every night when Jeff gets home

wishing / my Canadian family and I were just a little bit closer

craving / cozy nights by our fire and home made cookies 

feeling / as of this morning? not quite empty anymore. Like I’m finally starting to fill myself up again