When I find myself on the kitchen floor at the end of my rope I’d like to think that I have a hot cup of tea or maybe these days a cold cup of delicious coffee that Jeff made for me early that morning. And maybe some great music playing. I’d like to think the window are open letting in a cool breeze and that maybe it’s overcast so I can really sink into the space we’re in.

I got an email last week from one of the mamas who participated in the 21 day holistic eating and living journey ( now called 21 Day Lovefest thanks to Jeff ) and she said that although this Summer hasn’t consisted of the ‘normal’ canoeing, camping, hiking and exploring that previous summers have been full of, she’s learning how to navigate being a mama of two boys and that in and of itself is it’s own feat.

I feel like the expectations we place on ourselves can sometimes feel so damn heavy that it’s hard to even walk forward some days.

This morning as I was walking out our garbage bins I could hear Agatha exploding upstairs. She was devastated that I had walked down stairs to pull out the bins without her. When I came back up, Jeff was talking to her in the living room and she was crying calling for me. I let them have their space and then a little later she and I had our own conversation. It’s hard to know whether or not your kid really hears you, and I guess when I think about it it can’t really matter all that much because I won’t do anything to force her to listen (I’m not even sure I would know what that looks like). What I mean by saying that is I was able to share words with her, hopefully impart some wisdom about why I was doing what I was doing and also apologize for not including her on that task.

That girl loooves a good work task. Maybe because she’s a toddler, maybe because she spent a year going to a Montessori preschool or maybe because she just wanted to do something with me, alone. Either way, a little later as we were eating breakfast out of no where she said “you or dad won’t ever just leave me. you might go but dad will be here, or dad might go but you will be here”. Not a question, just a little tiny statement coming out of her huge gigantic heart. It stopped me right in my tracks. I could so clearly see that all she really wants and needs right now is love, comfort and the reassurance that with all of the massive transition we’ve all just undergone that no one is going anywhere without her. That we won’t just be disappearing to take the garbage bins out one day and never return. To really see her in that moment, underneath the wild free spirited insanely fierce toddler, was exactly what I needed to remind myself that when we get to the end of our rope, we just have to hang on really really tight. We can’t go anywhere. We need to stay and sit and be in this wild swirl of discomfort and newness and hardship and fierce love and exhaustion. That’s part of this journey right now.

I wrote a post last night on Instagram that has been stewing in me for sometime. The statement that I truly want to be a mum to these two girls right now. That I want to be the queen of this wild domestic kingdom for a slice in this journey. And maybe even bigger, that I can choose to do exactly that. I am very very very lucky and feel that so deeply. But when I say that it doesn’t mean it is an easy decision or that it doesn’t come with it’s own challenges for me personally.

Being a mom to Agatha and Beatrix is exactly where I need to be right now and I know and feel that with all my body.

Having babies, raising babies, thinking about babies and wanting babies is different for everyone and we never can really truly know what is going on in someone else’s head, heart and body. Don’t assume. Try not to judge – anyone, especially yourself. Don’t compare yourself to where others are at. Just love on, send love or listen with loving ears and know that by hearing what you need to do and doing what you need to do you’re basically the bravest person ever.