As I’m sitting on this (finally) cozy dark Fall night on my living room floor I can’t help but to realize it’s been a long long time since I’ve been alone, in my own home with no real plan or desire but to want to write. And share.

I’m breathing and I’m getting out of my head and sinking into my body. And it feels really really good.

I’m getting to know my anxiety pretty intimately these days and it feels kind of wildly hard but at the same time, so great because so much is coming up that I just have to sit with.

This is what came out as I started typing earlier this evening after I put my babies to bed.

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A reminder.

I don’t forget what it feels like to want a baby with every ounce of my being.

I think once you are lucky enough to have kids you are sort of surrounded all of a sudden with this entire season of life where everyone else is kind of in the same situation. It’s easy to not remember what it feels like to be sitting with that want so deep in your bones.

It’s easy to forget because you’re swept up in the day to day adventures and struggles with toddlers and babies. But I honestly truly don’t forget.

I don’t forget because I don’t want to forget. There are so many women and couples out there that are still struggling, that are craving that third wing man, that want to expand their love into this miraculous form of human life.

It sucks to want it and not have it.

It is heartbreaking to watch the journey unfold for others right in front of you and continue to see negative pregnancy tests.

It’s exhausting to think it’s going to be easy and keep trying and trying with no baby.

It’s down right soul wrenching to start growing a baby and have it disappear, never to fully make it into your arms.

The fertility journey is wild. The pregnancy journey is wild. The motherhood journey is wild.

Somehow Mother Nature managed to make this core part of our existence the most potentially up and down roller coaster of our younger life.

And when you’re in it (no matter the stage) you are so in it. It is all consuming because fertility, pregnancy and motherhood demand your full physical and emotional attention.

You need to give all of you in order to conceive, grow and raise a tiny human.

Unfortunately, I can’t offer a solution and I don’t have the answer.

But I can offer love. And support. And a freaking gigantic hand squeeze, from here to you.

We are all on our own lovefestjourney. There is no use comparing mine to yours, or yours to your best friends, or hers to the woman you just read about online. Just like we are all different, so are our journeys.

That is what we can own. Our own path to walk – where we place our next footstep and how much love we can hold for ourselves, for our partners and for our future, present and past babies.

 

Be open to the universe.

Be open to life.

Be open to the experience.

Trust your intuition.

Have faith.

You are so worthy.